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Good fathers like our Heavenly Father seek our well-being

Mar 21, 2017
3 min

Good fathers like our Heavenly Father seek our well-being

In a earlier blog we looked at domestic violence as a means of maintaining control within relationships. We examined the dynamics of coercive control as an ongoing, systematic, escalating series of behaviours designed to intimidate and instil fear in those on its receiving end. These behaviours attack the very foundation of what is the accepted norm of relationships and what Christ teaches. Unfortunately our culture and our community continue to look at domestic and family

192 views

"Surely it is time to move on"

Feb 27, 2017
3 min

"Surely it is time to move on"

Survivors invariably say that family members, friends in the ecclesia and out of it and the abuser tell them, “Surely it is time to move on”, or words to that effect. Here is where we all (and we count ourselves in that number) need to “walk a mile in their shoes”. Firstly if are not victims we don’t know the severe mental anguish and overwhelming challenge that abuse makes on their everyday functioning. The effects of constant fear, regular intimidation, belittling and insu

174 views

Abuse has long-term effects

Feb 19, 2017
4 min

Abuse has long-term effects

In a recent blog post we talked about the emotional and psychological impact of abuse on survivors. We mentioned that it is a long-term effect that continues well after separation. Studies show that these are not the only long-term effects of abuse endured by victims. The majority of survivors (63%) experienced continuing violence from their former partner after separation. We are also often told by survivors that they are still manipulated and controlled by their former par

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What about the children?

Feb 15, 2017
4 min

What about the children?

Children are at high risk in domestic abuse situations. They suffer enormously and particularly emotionally. This suffering is often hidden and the root cause often goes unrecognised until serious damage has been done. The act of abuse towards a child is illegal under Australia law, and if a parent is being abusive, they can be convicted of a serious crime. There are similar laws in most developed countries and many less developed countries. Children can be abused directly,

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Counselling and recovery for abusers

Feb 11, 2017
5 min

Counselling and recovery for abusers

Professional counselling to help abusers recognise and understand the real nature of the abusive behaviours they choose to use is an important part of the response of ecclesias to reports of abuse. The ideal situation is that such professional counselling can be provided by Christadelphian counsellors. The reality is that this capability is very thin within the Brotherhood and there are few professional counsellors trained, able and available to work with abusers. As an aside

63 views

Understand why victims don’t report abuse to the ecclesia.

Feb 8, 2017
4 min

Understand why victims don’t report abuse to the ecclesia.

We hold dearly to a dangerous misconception - that our ecclesias are easy to approach about a problem. I have had arranging brothers say to me, “I don’t know why [a victim] didn’t come to discuss it with us”, and this just emphasises the reality - separating from their spouse and getting help from the specialist domestic violence services and women’s refuges is the approach we find most victims take when finally they reach breaking point. Trust - we believe the root cause is

374 views

Feb 7, 2017
5 min

What can we do about domestic abuse? Show leadership.

All the brothers of the Hear Believe Act Project are arranging brothers or have been. They freely acknowledge that they have made mistakes in dealing with reports of abuse in the past. Our criticism, such that it is, is tempered by that knowledge. There is today, however, no excuse for ignorance and having a good grasp of the intersection of the teachings of our Lord and domestic abuse must be a high priority for all arranging brothers. The Hear Believe Act Project have been

135 views

What not to say: "Why haven’t you left him already?"

Feb 5, 2017
3 min

What not to say: "Why haven’t you left him already?"

Survivors and victims of domestic violence suffer repeated tidal waves of fear-inducing threats and abuse. Unless we have been in this situation we cannot understand the impact on day to day living. Survivors tell us they felt “imprisoned” - the abuser had manipulated every area of their life to erect barriers to them leaving. Every possible weapon is deployed against them to do this. There are threats of what would happen to them, their children, their other family, their

193 views

What not to say: "But all marriages have problems"

Feb 2, 2017
5 min

What not to say: "But all marriages have problems"

I guess all couples do have problems, but this “truth” neglects to mention that domestic abuse is not just another marriage problem. If we ask that question not only are we suggesting that there is something ‘normal’ about domestic abuse - there is not; not only are we suggesting it is the marriage that has the problem - it does not; but we are minimising the horror and trauma of domestic violence and in this we perpetuate a grave injustice. Let’s discuss those aspects. Domes

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What not to say: "What did you do to cause it?"

Feb 1, 2017
3 min

What not to say: "What did you do to cause it?"

One of the common themes of domestic violence is that the power and control ‘plays’ of the abuser are built on a false claim - that the victim deserves the abuse, or that the victim does something to cause the abuse. The victim may well do things that trigger the abuse, but a careful evaluation of the situation can help us clarify the usual situation - repeated, habituated and cyclic abuse is a choice of the abuser who is looking for, or even manipulates events to create situ

63 views

What not to say: "I understand how you feel"

Jan 31, 2017
4 min

What not to say: "I understand how you feel"

Survivors and victims of domestic abuse constantly tell the Hear Believe Act Project how they feel. But we cannot presume to know how they feel, even if we might also be a survivor of domestic abuse. Although most cases have painfully familiar themes, every case of abuse has it's own specific idiosyncracies. They feel chained up - imprisoned. Sometimes in their own home. Sometimes in a relationship they know is toxic yet they cannot escape. In one case an abuser blocked their

180 views

What can we do about it? Prepare our ecclesias to be a refuge for the victims

Jan 26, 2017
1 min

What can we do about it? Prepare our ecclesias to be a refuge for the victims

It is the essence of true religion to care for the fatherless and widows and preparing our ecclesias to do this must be a priority for every ecclesia. Is our ecclesia prepared to provide food and safety, perhaps sanctuary - secret shelter for a victim and her children - maybe for a long time? Are we prepared for the ‘long haul’ - the time it will take to break the cycle of abuse and the time and constant effort it will take to support the abuser through realisation, confessi

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What can we do about it? Executing right judgment

Jan 25, 2017
2 min

What can we do about it? Executing right judgment

The difficulty men have in making judgements is highlighted by Isaiah’s description of Messiah with the implicit contrast to human judgement. This shows how careful we need to be when making decisions about human behaviour. A corollary of this is the need to take time to judge because of the influences of the natural man. He shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears: But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove

71 views

What is domestic abuse?

Jan 25, 2017
1 min

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is a gross sin of misuse of power. This power is established by manipulation and control. This manipulation and control is used to selfishly satisfy fleshly lusts at the expense of wife or husband and family who are robbed of their self-esteem. Self-esteem is beaten from their victims by verbal attacks, derogatory name-calling, belittling criticism, intimidation, emotional game-playing and bullying, and physical or sexual attacks in a secrecy enforced by fear.

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Myth: domestic abuse is a private matter and is ‘none of my business’

Jan 24, 2017
2 min

Myth: domestic abuse is a private matter and is ‘none of my business’

Christ’s disciples are called on to be the Good Samaritan even if in personal danger. Those helping the victim should expect personal danger. Brothers trying to help have been threatened physically and with legal action for defamation. It may be costly in all sorts of ways, but caring for the defenceless is our first duty. The apostles require us to “lead” sinners to repentance. We should not encourage contact between abuser and victim without consideration first to the vict

195 views