#domesticabuse

Feb 27, 2017
3 min

"Surely it is time to move on"

Survivors invariably say that family members, friends in the ecclesia and out of it and the abuser tell them, “Surely it is time to move on”, or words to that effect. Here is where we all (and we count ourselves in that number) need to “walk a mile in their shoes”. Firstly if are not victims we don’t know the severe mental anguish and overwhelming challenge that abuse makes on their everyday functioning. The effects of constant fear, regular intimidation, belittling and insu

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Feb 19, 2017
4 min

Abuse has long-term effects

In a recent blog post we talked about the emotional and psychological impact of abuse on survivors. We mentioned that it is a long-term effect that continues well after separation. Studies show that these are not the only long-term effects of abuse endured by victims. The majority of survivors (63%) experienced continuing violence from their former partner after separation. We are also often told by survivors that they are still manipulated and controlled by their former par

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Feb 15, 2017
4 min

What about the children?

Children are at high risk in domestic abuse situations. They suffer enormously and particularly emotionally. This suffering is often hidden and the root cause often goes unrecognised until serious damage has been done. The act of abuse towards a child is illegal under Australia law, and if a parent is being abusive, they can be convicted of a serious crime. There are similar laws in most developed countries and many less developed countries. Children can be abused directly,

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Feb 11, 2017
5 min

Counselling and recovery for abusers

Professional counselling to help abusers recognise and understand the real nature of the abusive behaviours they choose to use is an important part of the response of ecclesias to reports of abuse. The ideal situation is that such professional counselling can be provided by Christadelphian counsellors. The reality is that this capability is very thin within the Brotherhood and there are few professional counsellors trained, able and available to work with abusers. As an aside

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Feb 7, 2017
5 min

What can we do about domestic abuse? Show leadership.

All the brothers of the Hear Believe Act Project are arranging brothers or have been. They freely acknowledge that they have made mistakes in dealing with reports of abuse in the past. Our criticism, such that it is, is tempered by that knowledge. There is today, however, no excuse for ignorance and having a good grasp of the intersection of the teachings of our Lord and domestic abuse must be a high priority for all arranging brothers. The Hear Believe Act Project have been

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Feb 2, 2017
5 min

What not to say: "But all marriages have problems"

I guess all couples do have problems, but this “truth” neglects to mention that domestic abuse is not just another marriage problem. If we ask that question not only are we suggesting that there is something ‘normal’ about domestic abuse - there is not; not only are we suggesting it is the marriage that has the problem - it does not; but we are minimising the horror and trauma of domestic violence and in this we perpetuate a grave injustice. Let’s discuss those aspects. Domes

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Feb 1, 2017
3 min

What not to say: "What did you do to cause it?"

One of the common themes of domestic violence is that the power and control ‘plays’ of the abuser are built on a false claim - that the victim deserves the abuse, or that the victim does something to cause the abuse. The victim may well do things that trigger the abuse, but a careful evaluation of the situation can help us clarify the usual situation - repeated, habituated and cyclic abuse is a choice of the abuser who is looking for, or even manipulates events to create situ

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Jan 31, 2017
4 min

What not to say: "I understand how you feel"

Survivors and victims of domestic abuse constantly tell the Hear Believe Act Project how they feel. But we cannot presume to know how they feel, even if we might also be a survivor of domestic abuse. Although most cases have painfully familiar themes, every case of abuse has it's own specific idiosyncracies. They feel chained up - imprisoned. Sometimes in their own home. Sometimes in a relationship they know is toxic yet they cannot escape. In one case an abuser blocked their

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Jan 30, 2017
4 min

What can we do about domestic abuse? Avoiding revictimisation - “Go and sin not”

It was the Scribes and Pharisees that brought before our Lord a woman caught in the very act of adultery. We know the story well, but does our Lord’s example infuse our response to domestic abuse in the Brotherhood? Firstly the woman was not committing adultery on her own, yet the other offender was not brought before our Lord. To me there seems to be a distinct parallel - a sister separating from her abusive husband sometimes is the only one facing ecclesial discipline - I s

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Jan 28, 2017
2 min

What can we do about domestic abuse? See it for what it is

Making changes to tackle the problem of domestic abuse in our midst needs to start with understanding and accepting the reality of sin. As a community where every member has human nature, sin will manifest itself in the same ways it always has. From the families of the patriarchs until today there are examples of domestic abuse – in common, they all have been fuelled by a sense of entitlement and abusers showing an unwillingness to be accountable to anyone including the Fath

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Jan 27, 2017
2 min

What can we do about domestic abuse? Accept that the problem is real and all too common in our broth

Christ said, “by their fruits you will know them”. We have not always discerned the fruits. In hindsight perhaps there was a detectable pride and contempt for others, for instance, that should have led us to be wary of the sheep’s clothing. Remember we are all capable of sin, and that outright deceit and wickedness will be found even in Christ’s disciples: remember Judas? [Note: before reading this you might like to revise what domestic abuse is] A sense of entitlement is al

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Jan 26, 2017
2 min

What can we do about it? Change our culture

We should detest pride. We should never allow derogatory language or attitudes toward others to be accepted within our culture. In all our social circles we must ‘call out’ these attitudes and behaviours – among groups of young men and brothers, in our young people’s formal and informal groups, among groups of couples, among couples preparing for marriage and during marriage enrichment activities? By doing so we may be helping a potential abuser to consider his ways and so

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Jan 26, 2017
1 min

What can we do about it? Prepare our ecclesias to be a refuge for the victims

It is the essence of true religion to care for the fatherless and widows and preparing our ecclesias to do this must be a priority for every ecclesia. Is our ecclesia prepared to provide food and safety, perhaps sanctuary - secret shelter for a victim and her children - maybe for a long time? Are we prepared for the ‘long haul’ - the time it will take to break the cycle of abuse and the time and constant effort it will take to support the abuser through realisation, confessi

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Jan 25, 2017
2 min

What can we do about it? Executing right judgment

The difficulty men have in making judgements is highlighted by Isaiah’s description of Messiah with the implicit contrast to human judgement. This shows how careful we need to be when making decisions about human behaviour. A corollary of this is the need to take time to judge because of the influences of the natural man. He shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither reprove after the hearing of his ears: But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove

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Jan 25, 2017
2 min

How does domestic abuse hide in the ecclesia?

Domestic abuse remains hidden by cycles of abuse with phases of ‘reconciliation’ and calm. In the reconciliation phase the abuser apologises, makes excuses, blames the victim for what she does or doesn’t do or how she doesn’t meet his expectations. The abuser blames personal problems like stress, anger or substance abuse, denies the abuse occurred or says it is not as bad as the victim might claim. The abuser’s excuses are believed and victims are blamed, even by their own fa

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Jan 25, 2017
1 min

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is a gross sin of misuse of power. This power is established by manipulation and control. This manipulation and control is used to selfishly satisfy fleshly lusts at the expense of wife or husband and family who are robbed of their self-esteem. Self-esteem is beaten from their victims by verbal attacks, derogatory name-calling, belittling criticism, intimidation, emotional game-playing and bullying, and physical or sexual attacks in a secrecy enforced by fear.

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Jan 25, 2017
2 min

What can we do about domestic abuse? Believe the victim

A person who has disclosed they are abused has climbed a mountain of shame against an ill-wind: the belief they will neither be believed or helped. We need to face this by accepting abuse reports are unlikely to be vexatious. [Note: before reading this you might like to revise what domestic abuse is] Our priority must be the safety of the victim and their children. It is critical that before anything else this is ensured. The urgency required is to ensure safety of the victi

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Jan 24, 2017
2 min

Myth: in most cases of domestic abuse both parties are to blame

Variations on this myth are all too common. People are heard to say, “I can appreciate how it happens. She would get on my nerves too”. This is simply victim-blaming. It belongs with such fallacies as, “she is insubordinate”, or “disrespectful”, or “flirts with other men”, or “is a bad mother”, or “a bad money-manager”, or “mentally unstable”. These are the very excuses commonly made by abusers for their behaviour – in the ecclesia and in the world. Abusers manipulate everyon

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Jan 24, 2017
2 min

Myth: domestic abuse is a private matter and is ‘none of my business’

Christ’s disciples are called on to be the Good Samaritan even if in personal danger. Those helping the victim should expect personal danger. Brothers trying to help have been threatened physically and with legal action for defamation. It may be costly in all sorts of ways, but caring for the defenceless is our first duty. The apostles require us to “lead” sinners to repentance. We should not encourage contact between abuser and victim without consideration first to the vict

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Jan 23, 2017
2 min

Myth: Staying in an abusive marriage is required “for the sake of the children”

When weighing up a decision to leave an abuser, one balancing consideration (of many) is if and how the father is fulfilling his scriptural duties. An abuser’s bad example may be teaching his children to dishonour their mother and to despise or mistreat her. This creates a home environment of shame and fear where there is none of the love Christ has us. “There is no fear in love” (1 John 4:18 ESV). This affects the emotional well-being of children. The abuser is breaking his

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