In a earlier blog we looked at domestic violence as a means of maintaining control within relationships. We examined the dynamics of coercive control as an ongoing, systematic, escalating series of behaviours designed to intimidate and instil fear in those on its receiving end. These behaviours attack the very foundation of what is the accepted norm of relationships and what Christ teaches. Unfortunately our culture and our community continue to look at domestic and family

Survivors invariably say that family members, friends in the ecclesia and out of it and the abuser tell them, “Surely it is time to move on”, or words to that effect. Here is where we all (and we count ourselves in that number) need to “walk a mile in their shoes”. Firstly if are not victims we don’t know the severe mental anguish and overwhelming challenge that abuse makes on their everyday functioning. The effects of constant fear, regular intimidation, belittling and insu

Understanding issues of parenting in families where men use domestic violence. This is a guest post on the Hear Believe Act Blog by Sister (Dr) Fiona Bosly who is a counsellor specialising in domestic and family violence from Brisbane, Australia. Her article draws on her professional experience and uses academic studies to show the links between parenting issues highlighting why external observers can mistake a mother’s concerns (about the effects on her children) for being

In a recent blog post we talked about the emotional and psychological impact of abuse on survivors. We mentioned that it is a long-term effect that continues well after separation. Studies show that these are not the only long-term effects of abuse endured by victims. The majority of survivors (63%) experienced continuing violence from their former partner after separation. We are also often told by survivors that they are still manipulated and controlled by their former par

Children are at high risk in domestic abuse situations. They suffer enormously and particularly emotionally. This suffering is often hidden and the root cause often goes unrecognised until serious damage has been done. The act of abuse towards a child is illegal under Australia law, and if a parent is being abusive, they can be convicted of a serious crime. There are similar laws in most developed countries and many less developed countries. Children can be abused directly,

Professional counselling to help abusers recognise and understand the real nature of the abusive behaviours they choose to use is an important part of the response of ecclesias to reports of abuse. The ideal situation is that such professional counselling can be provided by Christadelphian counsellors. The reality is that this capability is very thin within the Brotherhood and there are few professional counsellors trained, able and available to work with abusers. As an aside

The Hear Believe Act Project believes that professional counselling has an important role to play in helping survivors recover from the trauma and grief arising from the abuse. We believe that the ideal situation is when this professional counselling is supported by brothers and sisters providing what we call ‘spiritual counselling’. In this blog post we discuss what this can achieve and why we consider utilising these services is important for survivors. In a future blog po

We hold dearly to a dangerous misconception - that our ecclesias are easy to approach about a problem. I have had arranging brothers say to me, “I don’t know why [a victim] didn’t come to discuss it with us”, and this just emphasises the reality - separating from their spouse and getting help from the specialist domestic violence services and women’s refuges is the approach we find most victims take when finally they reach breaking point. Trust - we believe the root cause is

All the brothers of the Hear Believe Act Project are arranging brothers or have been. They freely acknowledge that they have made mistakes in dealing with reports of abuse in the past. Our criticism, such that it is, is tempered by that knowledge. There is today, however, no excuse for ignorance and having a good grasp of the intersection of the teachings of our Lord and domestic abuse must be a high priority for all arranging brothers. The Hear Believe Act Project have been

The Hear Believe Act Project is about encouraging and exhorting us all to open up the discussion of domestic abuse in the Christadelphian community. The focus is on domestic abuse that is shown in the persistent abuse power and the use of unacceptable methods to control and coerce another. This can happen in all sorts of family and intimate relationships. We have no precise data about Christadelphian relationships - we do mostly hear about abuse of husbands toward their wives

Survivors and victims of domestic violence suffer repeated tidal waves of fear-inducing threats and abuse. Unless we have been in this situation we cannot understand the impact on day to day living. Survivors tell us they felt “imprisoned” - the abuser had manipulated every area of their life to erect barriers to them leaving. Every possible weapon is deployed against them to do this. There are threats of what would happen to them, their children, their other family, their

I guess all couples do have problems, but this “truth” neglects to mention that domestic abuse is not just another marriage problem. If we ask that question not only are we suggesting that there is something ‘normal’ about domestic abuse - there is not; not only are we suggesting it is the marriage that has the problem - it does not; but we are minimising the horror and trauma of domestic violence and in this we perpetuate a grave injustice. Let’s discuss those aspects. Domes

One of the common themes of domestic violence is that the power and control ‘plays’ of the abuser are built on a false claim - that the victim deserves the abuse, or that the victim does something to cause the abuse. The victim may well do things that trigger the abuse, but a careful evaluation of the situation can help us clarify the usual situation - repeated, habituated and cyclic abuse is a choice of the abuser who is looking for, or even manipulates events to create situ

Survivors and victims of domestic abuse constantly tell the Hear Believe Act Project how they feel. But we cannot presume to know how they feel, even if we might also be a survivor of domestic abuse. Although most cases have painfully familiar themes, every case of abuse has it's own specific idiosyncracies. They feel chained up - imprisoned. Sometimes in their own home. Sometimes in a relationship they know is toxic yet they cannot escape. In one case an abuser blocked their

It was the Scribes and Pharisees that brought before our Lord a woman caught in the very act of adultery. We know the story well, but does our Lord’s example infuse our response to domestic abuse in the Brotherhood? Firstly the woman was not committing adultery on her own, yet the other offender was not brought before our Lord. To me there seems to be a distinct parallel - a sister separating from her abusive husband sometimes is the only one facing ecclesial discipline - I s

Christ said, “by their fruits you will know them”. We have not always discerned the fruits. In hindsight perhaps there was a detectable pride and contempt for others, for instance, that should have led us to be wary of the sheep’s clothing. Remember we are all capable of sin, and that outright deceit and wickedness will be found even in Christ’s disciples: remember Judas? [Note: before reading this you might like to revise what domestic abuse is] A sense of entitlement is al

We should detest pride. We should never allow derogatory language or attitudes toward others to be accepted within our culture. In all our social circles we must ‘call out’ these attitudes and behaviours – among groups of young men and brothers, in our young people’s formal and informal groups, among groups of couples, among couples preparing for marriage and during marriage enrichment activities? By doing so we may be helping a potential abuser to consider his ways and so

It is the essence of true religion to care for the fatherless and widows and preparing our ecclesias to do this must be a priority for every ecclesia. Is our ecclesia prepared to provide food and safety, perhaps sanctuary - secret shelter for a victim and her children - maybe for a long time? Are we prepared for the ‘long haul’ - the time it will take to break the cycle of abuse and the time and constant effort it will take to support the abuser through realisation, confessi

Domestic abuse remains hidden by cycles of abuse with phases of ‘reconciliation’ and calm. In the reconciliation phase the abuser apologises, makes excuses, blames the victim for what she does or doesn’t do or how she doesn’t meet his expectations. The abuser blames personal problems like stress, anger or substance abuse, denies the abuse occurred or says it is not as bad as the victim might claim. The abuser’s excuses are believed and victims are blamed, even by their own fa

Domestic abuse is a gross sin of misuse of power. This power is established by manipulation and control. This manipulation and control is used to selfishly satisfy fleshly lusts at the expense of wife or husband and family who are robbed of their self-esteem. Self-esteem is beaten from their victims by verbal attacks, derogatory name-calling, belittling criticism, intimidation, emotional game-playing and bullying, and physical or sexual attacks in a secrecy enforced by fear.